Counting on one hand!

Chemo number 7...done! 5 more to go and I will be done with chemo. So far, this last chemo has not been too bad but I might have spoke too early knock on wood! My doctor has already ordered me to have a PET scan done after the next chemo to see if there is any cancer activity any more. My lymph-nodes are still "bulky" but have shrunk considerably. I talked to my doctor about if there is any possibility of not having to go through radiation but he still thinks that is a very slim chance. Even after chemo is done, there will be sporadic cancer cells here and there that the radiation will take care of. Taking the radiation will put me at risk for Thyroid and even Breast cancer. But, no matter what the doctors say, everything is still in Gods hands and in his plan. I finally feel like I am on the home stretch...a little more than two months to go and I will be free from taking chemo. Sometimes it feels like this will never end and then you look up and find you made it through the hardest part of the journey. I have faith that God will heal me and that I will have complete recovery from everything I have gone through. My scars will heal, hair will grow back and my energy will be in full swing! I have prayed that God would protect my body from having the harsh side effects that could happen when taking chemo and so far I am just fine. The chemo I am taking can damage your heart, lungs, throat and nerves. Thank you lord for sparing me! I am claiming all of God's promises for me and will be looking forward to the day when I get the news that I am in remission and cancer free. It looks like there will be one more huge blessing that will come out of this ordeal and I will be awaiting that news to come too, and when it does, 6 + years of prayer will be answered.

When you pray for me, pray that the PET scan will come back with the best results possible...I will be getting that done on the 11th of June.

Thank you everyone for your kindness, visits, gifts and food. Thank you most of all for your prayers.

Shannon

The half way point

This tuesday marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy treatments with two weeks after that of low dose radiation. Two weeks ago I had a CT scan done and this Thursday learned the results. Everything showed that the lymph nodes were all shrinking letting them know that the chemo is doing its job and I am right on track. I had hoped it would have showed better results but I have to realize that some things just have to work in Gods timing and not what I want. I had also hoped my doctor would give me the okay to start attending church services again but he told me that would not be a good idea. I am still very suseptable to catching anything and everything out there once the chemo destroys my immune system and it takes time for my body to rebuild and get ready for the next treatment. Getting sick or infected would just delay my treatment and delay this whole process. I miss church so much, the praise and worship, my friends and family...singing and hearing my pastor preach. Lets just say those things mean a whole lot more to me now then when I wasnt restricted. But i am thankful for where i am at. I am alive, bave wonderful friends and family and so much support from all around me. I have learned who my true friends are, who loves me and misses me. Those people know who they are. Thank you all for your kindness, cards and flowers and visits! Without you guys I would have a hard time with this journey. I am so thankful that God has never left me alone in this and that he continues to bring healing in his own way. Shannon

When you find your fight

I am so grateful for the weeks in between chemos...It seems that its that stretch of time that I can draw up my strength (mental and physical) and feel like I can slay the dragon once more. When your mind is clear and you make your decisions with that clarity, you can remind your self when the times are tough that I didn't choose to fight this on a whim...it was decided when I was in my right mind. My pastor preached a message about that when it comes to living for God. When you make your way to an alter and make the decision to live for God, its because your head finally became clear enough to see what you needed in your life. So, its with a clear head (finally...chemo makes me ditsy hehe) that I can think about what I am doing and say yes! I can do this! I can go at this again and I have faith that its not just chemo running through my blood, but the powerful blood of Christ that cleanses and heals. I'm not just anybody...I am His daughter and no cancer and no devil can come on me accept He lets it. For that reason I know that there is a bigger reason that I am going through this. If its to try and test me, I hope to pass the test because I don't want to retake this one! If it has nothing to do with me at all but about my Church, family or friends in my life, I will be a servant and let God do his work. One of the few times that I know God spoke to me was when I kept praying for something that I wanted to happen out of my own selfish want...God's reply to my prayer was "Don't you think I know what I am doing more than you?". I didn't pray that prayer again after that! I realized God wanted me to understand that he knows what is best better than I do and to trust him because he's at work and what I want is not what is best. I believe in God's healing power, but even if I had a huge amount of faith to be healed right now, if its not God's will, how can it be done? I have had one promise given to me through all of this and I think about it when I begin to feel so low...that I will be okay. I was not promised to not feel pain...to not be depressed or to go through this without it being hard. I was promised that I would be okay.

So, with these promises, realizations and understandings that I draw out my sword and look this cancer square in the eyes and say "you might have won a battle over me....but I will win the war!"

Shannon

Life keeps going

I will be 26 in a couple days (April 15th), and I am actually glad for getting older. A year older says I am alive and that things keep on moving. I think about how I only have 4 chemo's under my belt and 8 more to go and I cringe. Hats off to anyone who has gone through cancer treatment, its a doozy! This last treatment I had on Tuesday has me still wiped out today. I have been working half days now and that seems all I can do. I'm just so tired. My taste buds are completely gone except I can taste sour things and sweet things....guess which one I lean toward when selecting food! I keep reminding myself that God is in control of all of this and he knows how much I can handle. I don't feel tough, but I know what I am going through is so tough. I pray for healing to come...that the chemo is working extra good and that they might shorten my treatments. I looked at the calendar and found that if every treatment goes according to schedule, I will be done with them by July 31st. and on to radiation for two weeks after that. I don't have much else to say, my head wont allow me to think up witty or inspirational sayings right now...it just wants to rest! Love all of you my family and friends, thanks for all your encouragement and prayers. I need it all more now everyday.

Shannon

He calms the storm

Psalm 107:28-29
"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still..."

I don't know how many times or moments during this ordeal that I have had to cry to God for help. Not because I physically hurt or feel my life slipping, but because of the mind game you go through with this. Granted, most of the mind game is my fault, but a part of it you cant help. You feel like you are tossed at sea and you don't know how to stay afloat...the turmoil of your emotions and the feeling of helplessness becomes overwhelming. The reality of your situation can be maddening but when I get to that point, there is only one way to turn, and that is to the maker of the storm. I heard a preacher talk about how God will put you through a storm, not to hurt you, but to make you better...to get you to a place where he can bless you. Storms are not created to pull you apart, but to make you stronger and closer to God. This is definitely a learning process. I wonder sometimes if I am passing the test...am I getting to where God wants me? I know one thing is for sure, this storm is not allowed to leave me until I make it bless me. Just like Jacob wrestled with an Angel and wouldn't let go until he got a blessing, I wont let this pass me by without seeing good come of this.

Sometimes I feel like this cancer has taken so much from me. I am in confinement, and cant go to church where there is crowds. I cant have my cat live inside anymore (maybe that is not a bad thing). I cant have cheese...my hair is still falling out. But, I refuse to dwell on that which is lost and look at what I still have. I still have enough hair on my head to cover it, I still have my life! I have a promise of a cure, I have my family, friends and wonderful husband still supporting me and encouraging me. I can do this...I can make it through.

With 9 more treatments and 2 weeks of radiation left, I have a long 5 months to go. I need to stay on track with my treatments to make this happen and that means taking care of myself and not getting sick. As I accumulate more chemo in my body with more treatments, the more tired I will become after each treatment. I will have to take more time off work to rest and I am thankful for such a good work family that encourages me to take care of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a season in my life and It wont last forever.

Thank you everyone for all your support and prayers...I need it! Love you all.

Shannon

Sigh.....

Well, I got the flu and all that comes with it the morning of chemo no less! I had to go into the doctors, even though I did not feel like it, to see what they wanted to do with me. The Doctor comes into see me and gives me a grand scolding telling me that I am under no circumstances to be around crowds of people and to wash my hands, sanitize and eat "clean" meaning no more Mexican food hehe. Unfortunately this means for the rest of my treatment since this setback has been one too many. I have only had two cycles of chemo and ten more to go! I hung my head shameful telling him that the flu had been going around in church and he looks at me sternly saying "you're still going to church??? with all those crowds of people? No wonder you got sick." Sigh...! To make sure my "flu" was not chemo related I was instructed to give "samples" to make sure. Joy joy. At least my counts were good...except I am apparently anemic now and needed an iron IV that day. So, I sits for an hour and a half as this liquid that looks like blended steak is dripped into my port. An hour into my session I lost my apple juice to the waste bin. Poor nurse, she was probably thinking she's going to end up getting whatever I got having to clean up! To my relief they decided to give me some anti-nausea and help me with my urges. Half hour later I am free to go but I can barely walk because the anti-nausea they gave me makes you super drowsy and you have to have a ride home. I hate being drowsy...its the feeling that your conscious but so sleepy and I almost wish I hadn't gotten the stuff until I finally got home to sleep the rest of the day away. At least now that I have had the flu I probably wont get it again.

Per my Doctors instructions, I can no longer attend church services with "people" until my treatment is done. I talked to my pastor and he agreed that an online streaming of church services would be a good option for me at this point. I am super bummed about this, I don't like living like a hermit away from people and fun things to do. At least I am allowed to go outside into the fresh air where I shouldn't be able to catch anything. You hear that Washington? I need good weather now or I will go stir crazy with cabin fever!!! Going to work should be okay as long as people are not sick and I can stay in my cube away from people. Sigh!!!! This has gotten a lot harder now...if you cant tell I am frustrated. I want so much to have my normal life back without the paranoia, without the fatigue, without the feeling like poo. But, I will take whats given to me because I am tough like that. Every set back, every ache, pain and hurt I look at it and think..."I must be strong enough for that to happen to me because God said he wouldn't give me more than I can bear and I just got handed a whopper!" So you grit your teeth, cry a little, wipe the tears, shoot a prayer towards heaven and keep on rolling. What else can you do? What option do you have but to go forward? I will not be defeated, I will not lay down in surrender because this cancer will not conquer me and the devil sure wont either! This battle I have found is 5% physically at 95% mental. Knowing that now, my perspective has changed on how I live. I hit my knees in prayer more, read my Bible more and think positive. But Oh! I am looking forward to the day when I can look back on all of this and see the magnificent hand of God.

Shannon

God is a Healer

I want to say that without God in my life, I would be a hopeless case. He has done so much for me that I couldn't tell you it all because half of it I don't even know. I want to thank him for healing. Last Monday when I was scheduled for chemo I was turned away because my counts were way too low...under 200. I was given an emergency recovery shot that day and the next to boost my counts and was told to stay away from people, wear a mask and wash wash wash those hands! Its a bit scary when you think that a common cold could wipe you out at that point and I didn't even feel like my counts were low. I spent the whole week paranoid of people sneezing, coughing and even touching me. I felt like a leper with my face mask on in public, but I knew it was either my discomfort or getting very sick. I did a blood draw that Sunday and hoped and prayed that my counts were up so I could take my chemo that Monday (yesterday). No emergency phone calls from the Doctor telling me to stay home or anything so when Monday came around I was anxious to find out the results. But I had faith. My church prayed for me and I felt something different happen to me so I knew in the back of my mind that everything was okay. My doctor examined me and told me I was cleared for chemo! Not a day too soon, I was starting to get some of the symptoms back that I had before chemo. The nurse looked at me and asked me..."Do you want to know what your counts were?" And I said oh yeah! "Well, they were good, really, really good! Those recovery shots really did well with you." I thought to myself...you have no idea! God is my recovery shot! The nurse handed me a print out of my blood test and pointed to a number and said "your counts went up to 7.38 which means 7,380!" That apparently is on the high part of the scale, I only needed to be at a 1 or 1,000 to take chemo. Who says God doesn't heal his children when they pray? I might not be fully healed right now, but God has a reason why I am going through this. He gives me strength for the day and peace through the storm. I want to thank all those that have been praying for me. Many of you pray for me daily and I don't have words to tell you how much that means to me. Pretty soon all of those prayers will be stacked up so high before God that he will have to do something. God has provided for me through all of this too. Many people have given me food and gifts and not realized how needed they were. I feel like such a let down when I am too tired to make dinner...all those meals have been lifesavers! My husband has been so kind to go get food now too or finally learn how to make something himself (hehe). Thank you all you people! (Even to accommodate me with my no cheese diet!). There truly is blessings on this broken road :).

Hair update...
Well, I have lost probably half the volume of my hair now...for those of you who know my hair that is quite a lot. But, as thick as my hair is, I still am not bald! You cant tell yet that I have lost hair but the way the hair loss is going, I would not be surprised if I am bald within a week. I feel like all my life that my hair has identified me as a person because I was always the girl with the really long hair. I always thought that it was one of my strongest assets and what made me pretty. God himself says that a women's hair is her glory. I can say that I have mourned for my hair. I didn't even realize I was doing so till I realized I went from shock, sadness, anger and then acceptance. That really has been the story of my journey. It was only when I got to acceptance that I was at peace. I am not giving in to cancer, I am acknowledging it so I can fight it. I am learning how to take care of myself and finding ways to combat stress. The biggest help in my life right now is my support system and I want to thank them for rallying for me with prayer, help and for just listening to me when I have to vent. Thank you Mom for cleaning my house! Thank you Jaime for being the loving and supportive husband and for holding me when I cry. Thankyou Aaron and Rachel for always having me in your prayers. Thank you to my pastor for carrying my burden in prayer. Thankyou Crystal for all the gifts! Thank you Sharon, Angie, Monica and Mom for the yummy foods. And thank you God for being my healer.

Love,
Shannon