Not over yet...

I am so happy that i am done with chemo... The hardest part of this journey is over. I dont have to hide myself away at home anymore but can step into the light and see the sunshine! I still have my germ phobia but that might be a good thing still... Its not good to get sick anyway. Its been nice to be able to go shopping and eat in restaurants! Its been nice to be able to pet my cat and not worry about her getting me sick. Most of all its been the best thing to be able to attend church again! I have missed it so much. You never appreciate something till its taken away from you. I am happy, but i am also sad. Things are coming to realization now that i am on the other end of this. I am no longer fighting for my life... Now i am looking at the rest of my life and how that will be. This past tuesday i had a consultation with my radiologist who showed me the before and after scans of my body. What a difference... I had no idea that my airway had shifted over because of the swollen lymph nodes pushed it over. The after pics showed it lined up again but man, it was crazy to see. My radiologist explained to me that going through with radiation makes my body open to getting other cancers later on in life. But, apparently not getting it puts me more at risk of this coming back. Part of me gets angry that i now have to live the rest of my life with this threat. How is it fair? What did i do so horrible in life that i have to endure this? But, the other side of me says God didnt bring you through this, let you be a survivor just to kill you off! Seriously Shannon, haven't you learned to trust God with everything yet? Sigh...yes, I Need to lean on him when i have no control. The doctors are threatening to put me through 4-5 weeks of radiation...i dont think so. I have one more CT scan before they decide my treatment plan. I am believing that this scan will be awesome...i believe its going to blow their 4-5 weeks to pieces. I dont want to endure that, i want to not even have radiation...but if i have to go through with it, its going to be the 2 weeks they origonally thought, none of this 4-5 week junk. I want to see them scratch their heads and say "we dont know how, but....". So if you would pray with me, that my scan comes back with all my lymph nodes the right size...we will watch those doctors scratch their heads in disbelief. I am not afraid to tell them either that although i am thankful for all they have done for me, i have another doctor that heals me without the need of machines and tools...the very one who created this body is completely capable of fixing anything wrong with it. I am just looking forward to the day when i can go a whole day without thinking of cancer, doctor appointments and treatments. Keep me in your prayers because its just not over yet. Shannon

Miracle

For those who don't believe in miracles, don't bother reading, but for those who believe that the hand of God can reach down and touch you, heal you, I have to tell you what happened...

I have been having very bad back pain over the last 4 weeks. I cant contribute it to anything I was doing, eating, not doing...but the pain would come usually around two in the morning and continue for an hour and a half or until the pain pills would kick in, and even then the pain was only dulled. I say this to only get you a picture of how it was affecting me, but one episode left my whole back on fire and even felt like it was in my chest. All Jaime could do was hold me why I cried and moaned not knowing why, what was wrong and why God would not relieve this. That night I had a glimpse of why some people commit suicide...It was that intense. The most recent episodes of this were three nights in a row and it felt like it would continue on and on. My thought of this was that as my lymph nodes are shrinking they might be also shifting and one might be putting pressure on nerves in my back when my body would relax and settle. Regardless, I couldn't continue like this...popping pain pills and losing sleep. This Saturday I had gotten a text from my pastor telling me he had prayed for me for a long time. That night I was able to sleep without pain put still woke up early in the morning, unable to sleep. The devil must have been mad that a hedge was being put around me with prayer. That Sunday night as Jaime left for church, I got down and prayed that God would heal me of whatever was wrong with me...to take it away or help me figure out what I am doing to create the pain. I lay down on my bed and began to listen to some online preaching and what do ya know, it was about healing. At the end of listening to the sermon, something came over me. I felt something shift in my back and it was like a round ball was breaking to the surface in the skin of my back, it rolled down my back and it felt like it broke through my skin and was gone. It did not hurt, it was so soft- like feeling, but I went crazy tearing off my clothes thinking that a mouse had made its way in my shirt and was now scurrying somewhere in my clothes or in my bed. It felt that real. I patted down my clothes, my bed, my back...nothing. Already having stripped myself, I figure I might as well take a shower to calm myself or what, I don't know. There, in the shower, it dawned on me that God had answered my prayer and had taken out of me what was causing me pain. I told God right there that I claimed that as my healing...I began to cry and God's presence came down over me like a wave...all I could do was cry and speak in tongues. I felt so unworthy of his touch, but so grateful. When Jaime got home I told him what happened to me and I was amazed to learn something happened to him too. He to was having some work related back pain and when he was in church that night, something tugged his shirt, in the area that he has had pain. He said no one was around him to do that, and it was such a noticeable tug that he couldn't rule it out as a fluke. He accepted that it happened but it wasn't until I told him my story that he understood the reason for the tug. I realize that sometimes God makes you go through things so that you can experience his glory...his healing and his love for you. God has never forgotten me...even in the midst of wanting to somehow end the pain I was experiencing, God was there. Believe what you want, but I know, God healed me, took out a lymph node with a master surgeons hands and relived me of my pain. All I can say is I am so grateful, humble and in awe of such a great God.

The Shackles are broken

Monday I received the best news of my life...I am clean of cancer. My Pet Scan came back as we all prayed it would with no cancer activity anywhere in my body. This news is still sinking in and soon I am sure it will hit me hard. I still have to complete my treatments which I only have 3 more to go and around a month after my last treatment they still plan to put me through two weeks of low dose radiation. Piece of Cake! I have gotten through the worst of this and now I am just coasting down hill! Part of me still feels stuck still with having to complete my treatments but I understand why. The type of Hodgkins Lymphoma that I had was considered "Bulky" which means my Lymph nodes were beyond abnormally large. The rest of the treatments and radiation should bring them down to normal size. Through out my treatments they have been shrinking each time and I am glad for that because it was very uncomfortable at the beginning when they were so large. I would breathe in an feel them press into my throat and against my lungs. I am so glad God has healed me. You might say, no, the medicine and treatments healed you, but I say that they could have failed. The fact that I have gone through this without heart damage, lung damage, damage to my throat, my skin, eyes or anything else the chemo is known to affect tells me that either I am made of tough stuff or that God had kept me from it all by making me tough. Look at it however you want to, but I know my God and I know he has never forsaken me. I have been through a lot in my young life but I know God would not put me through what he has if it wasn't for nothing. There is a plan in the making and my life is still being written. My heart is full of dreams and goals that I want to see accomplished. Thank you everyone for your support, thoughts and prayers. God is so good.

Shannon

Thankful

Every week I get statements in the mail from my insurance showing what was billed and how much they covered. A few days ago I opened up a statement and was blown away how much my treatments and blood work labs cost for the month of April. I began to think of how much my insurance has covered so far for all that I have gone through... The scans, tests, surgery, blood work, exams and medicine and I felt so humble and thankful and broke down. Two years ago I didn't have health insurance because I thought I didn't need it and it was so expensive. For some reason jaime and I felt the need to get me on health insurance and looking back now what a world of hurt we would be in financially if I had not made the decision. I know God was getting me ready to go through what I am going through now. Not only that but two years ago I made up my mind to get healthy and lost 50 pounds and was trying to eat healthy and excecise. Again, God was getting me prepared to be strong enough to go through this. This month of June marks one year from the first time I found the bump on my neck not knowing what I know now that I had cancer. It took me 6 months before I got it looked at by a legitiment doctor (I did go to the doc in the box but obviously they didn't diagnose me correctly) and I am thankful that that lenghth of time was not too long to get me treated. Looking back on all of this shows me that God had me in his hand the whole time and so in the midst of what I am going through should tell me that I am in his hands even now and should trust him with my healing. I worry sometimes that the treatments wont get all the cancer and that I will have to go through more and more treatments. But that is stupid worring because God has already proved to me that he has everything under control. He promised me that I will be okay and I dont know why I think about that. But then again the enemy would love to get me to feel fear and have doubt...but Iam not ignorant to his tricks. So I choose to see all of blessings in my life, I will choose to have a right attitude about everything and not complain. I choose to live my life with the expectancy that I will have full and complete restoration in my life. I choose to not get bitter, I choose to love to care and to serve God despite the hand I have been delt. So I will continue to walk this road broken or not. Shannon

Counting on one hand!

Chemo number 7...done! 5 more to go and I will be done with chemo. So far, this last chemo has not been too bad but I might have spoke too early knock on wood! My doctor has already ordered me to have a PET scan done after the next chemo to see if there is any cancer activity any more. My lymph-nodes are still "bulky" but have shrunk considerably. I talked to my doctor about if there is any possibility of not having to go through radiation but he still thinks that is a very slim chance. Even after chemo is done, there will be sporadic cancer cells here and there that the radiation will take care of. Taking the radiation will put me at risk for Thyroid and even Breast cancer. But, no matter what the doctors say, everything is still in Gods hands and in his plan. I finally feel like I am on the home stretch...a little more than two months to go and I will be free from taking chemo. Sometimes it feels like this will never end and then you look up and find you made it through the hardest part of the journey. I have faith that God will heal me and that I will have complete recovery from everything I have gone through. My scars will heal, hair will grow back and my energy will be in full swing! I have prayed that God would protect my body from having the harsh side effects that could happen when taking chemo and so far I am just fine. The chemo I am taking can damage your heart, lungs, throat and nerves. Thank you lord for sparing me! I am claiming all of God's promises for me and will be looking forward to the day when I get the news that I am in remission and cancer free. It looks like there will be one more huge blessing that will come out of this ordeal and I will be awaiting that news to come too, and when it does, 6 + years of prayer will be answered.

When you pray for me, pray that the PET scan will come back with the best results possible...I will be getting that done on the 11th of June.

Thank you everyone for your kindness, visits, gifts and food. Thank you most of all for your prayers.

Shannon

The half way point

This tuesday marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy treatments with two weeks after that of low dose radiation. Two weeks ago I had a CT scan done and this Thursday learned the results. Everything showed that the lymph nodes were all shrinking letting them know that the chemo is doing its job and I am right on track. I had hoped it would have showed better results but I have to realize that some things just have to work in Gods timing and not what I want. I had also hoped my doctor would give me the okay to start attending church services again but he told me that would not be a good idea. I am still very suseptable to catching anything and everything out there once the chemo destroys my immune system and it takes time for my body to rebuild and get ready for the next treatment. Getting sick or infected would just delay my treatment and delay this whole process. I miss church so much, the praise and worship, my friends and family...singing and hearing my pastor preach. Lets just say those things mean a whole lot more to me now then when I wasnt restricted. But i am thankful for where i am at. I am alive, bave wonderful friends and family and so much support from all around me. I have learned who my true friends are, who loves me and misses me. Those people know who they are. Thank you all for your kindness, cards and flowers and visits! Without you guys I would have a hard time with this journey. I am so thankful that God has never left me alone in this and that he continues to bring healing in his own way. Shannon

When you find your fight

I am so grateful for the weeks in between chemos...It seems that its that stretch of time that I can draw up my strength (mental and physical) and feel like I can slay the dragon once more. When your mind is clear and you make your decisions with that clarity, you can remind your self when the times are tough that I didn't choose to fight this on a whim...it was decided when I was in my right mind. My pastor preached a message about that when it comes to living for God. When you make your way to an alter and make the decision to live for God, its because your head finally became clear enough to see what you needed in your life. So, its with a clear head (finally...chemo makes me ditsy hehe) that I can think about what I am doing and say yes! I can do this! I can go at this again and I have faith that its not just chemo running through my blood, but the powerful blood of Christ that cleanses and heals. I'm not just anybody...I am His daughter and no cancer and no devil can come on me accept He lets it. For that reason I know that there is a bigger reason that I am going through this. If its to try and test me, I hope to pass the test because I don't want to retake this one! If it has nothing to do with me at all but about my Church, family or friends in my life, I will be a servant and let God do his work. One of the few times that I know God spoke to me was when I kept praying for something that I wanted to happen out of my own selfish want...God's reply to my prayer was "Don't you think I know what I am doing more than you?". I didn't pray that prayer again after that! I realized God wanted me to understand that he knows what is best better than I do and to trust him because he's at work and what I want is not what is best. I believe in God's healing power, but even if I had a huge amount of faith to be healed right now, if its not God's will, how can it be done? I have had one promise given to me through all of this and I think about it when I begin to feel so low...that I will be okay. I was not promised to not feel pain...to not be depressed or to go through this without it being hard. I was promised that I would be okay.

So, with these promises, realizations and understandings that I draw out my sword and look this cancer square in the eyes and say "you might have won a battle over me....but I will win the war!"

Shannon