Sigh.....

Well, I got the flu and all that comes with it the morning of chemo no less! I had to go into the doctors, even though I did not feel like it, to see what they wanted to do with me. The Doctor comes into see me and gives me a grand scolding telling me that I am under no circumstances to be around crowds of people and to wash my hands, sanitize and eat "clean" meaning no more Mexican food hehe. Unfortunately this means for the rest of my treatment since this setback has been one too many. I have only had two cycles of chemo and ten more to go! I hung my head shameful telling him that the flu had been going around in church and he looks at me sternly saying "you're still going to church??? with all those crowds of people? No wonder you got sick." Sigh...! To make sure my "flu" was not chemo related I was instructed to give "samples" to make sure. Joy joy. At least my counts were good...except I am apparently anemic now and needed an iron IV that day. So, I sits for an hour and a half as this liquid that looks like blended steak is dripped into my port. An hour into my session I lost my apple juice to the waste bin. Poor nurse, she was probably thinking she's going to end up getting whatever I got having to clean up! To my relief they decided to give me some anti-nausea and help me with my urges. Half hour later I am free to go but I can barely walk because the anti-nausea they gave me makes you super drowsy and you have to have a ride home. I hate being drowsy...its the feeling that your conscious but so sleepy and I almost wish I hadn't gotten the stuff until I finally got home to sleep the rest of the day away. At least now that I have had the flu I probably wont get it again.

Per my Doctors instructions, I can no longer attend church services with "people" until my treatment is done. I talked to my pastor and he agreed that an online streaming of church services would be a good option for me at this point. I am super bummed about this, I don't like living like a hermit away from people and fun things to do. At least I am allowed to go outside into the fresh air where I shouldn't be able to catch anything. You hear that Washington? I need good weather now or I will go stir crazy with cabin fever!!! Going to work should be okay as long as people are not sick and I can stay in my cube away from people. Sigh!!!! This has gotten a lot harder now...if you cant tell I am frustrated. I want so much to have my normal life back without the paranoia, without the fatigue, without the feeling like poo. But, I will take whats given to me because I am tough like that. Every set back, every ache, pain and hurt I look at it and think..."I must be strong enough for that to happen to me because God said he wouldn't give me more than I can bear and I just got handed a whopper!" So you grit your teeth, cry a little, wipe the tears, shoot a prayer towards heaven and keep on rolling. What else can you do? What option do you have but to go forward? I will not be defeated, I will not lay down in surrender because this cancer will not conquer me and the devil sure wont either! This battle I have found is 5% physically at 95% mental. Knowing that now, my perspective has changed on how I live. I hit my knees in prayer more, read my Bible more and think positive. But Oh! I am looking forward to the day when I can look back on all of this and see the magnificent hand of God.

Shannon

God is a Healer

I want to say that without God in my life, I would be a hopeless case. He has done so much for me that I couldn't tell you it all because half of it I don't even know. I want to thank him for healing. Last Monday when I was scheduled for chemo I was turned away because my counts were way too low...under 200. I was given an emergency recovery shot that day and the next to boost my counts and was told to stay away from people, wear a mask and wash wash wash those hands! Its a bit scary when you think that a common cold could wipe you out at that point and I didn't even feel like my counts were low. I spent the whole week paranoid of people sneezing, coughing and even touching me. I felt like a leper with my face mask on in public, but I knew it was either my discomfort or getting very sick. I did a blood draw that Sunday and hoped and prayed that my counts were up so I could take my chemo that Monday (yesterday). No emergency phone calls from the Doctor telling me to stay home or anything so when Monday came around I was anxious to find out the results. But I had faith. My church prayed for me and I felt something different happen to me so I knew in the back of my mind that everything was okay. My doctor examined me and told me I was cleared for chemo! Not a day too soon, I was starting to get some of the symptoms back that I had before chemo. The nurse looked at me and asked me..."Do you want to know what your counts were?" And I said oh yeah! "Well, they were good, really, really good! Those recovery shots really did well with you." I thought to myself...you have no idea! God is my recovery shot! The nurse handed me a print out of my blood test and pointed to a number and said "your counts went up to 7.38 which means 7,380!" That apparently is on the high part of the scale, I only needed to be at a 1 or 1,000 to take chemo. Who says God doesn't heal his children when they pray? I might not be fully healed right now, but God has a reason why I am going through this. He gives me strength for the day and peace through the storm. I want to thank all those that have been praying for me. Many of you pray for me daily and I don't have words to tell you how much that means to me. Pretty soon all of those prayers will be stacked up so high before God that he will have to do something. God has provided for me through all of this too. Many people have given me food and gifts and not realized how needed they were. I feel like such a let down when I am too tired to make dinner...all those meals have been lifesavers! My husband has been so kind to go get food now too or finally learn how to make something himself (hehe). Thank you all you people! (Even to accommodate me with my no cheese diet!). There truly is blessings on this broken road :).

Hair update...
Well, I have lost probably half the volume of my hair now...for those of you who know my hair that is quite a lot. But, as thick as my hair is, I still am not bald! You cant tell yet that I have lost hair but the way the hair loss is going, I would not be surprised if I am bald within a week. I feel like all my life that my hair has identified me as a person because I was always the girl with the really long hair. I always thought that it was one of my strongest assets and what made me pretty. God himself says that a women's hair is her glory. I can say that I have mourned for my hair. I didn't even realize I was doing so till I realized I went from shock, sadness, anger and then acceptance. That really has been the story of my journey. It was only when I got to acceptance that I was at peace. I am not giving in to cancer, I am acknowledging it so I can fight it. I am learning how to take care of myself and finding ways to combat stress. The biggest help in my life right now is my support system and I want to thank them for rallying for me with prayer, help and for just listening to me when I have to vent. Thank you Mom for cleaning my house! Thank you Jaime for being the loving and supportive husband and for holding me when I cry. Thankyou Aaron and Rachel for always having me in your prayers. Thank you to my pastor for carrying my burden in prayer. Thankyou Crystal for all the gifts! Thank you Sharon, Angie, Monica and Mom for the yummy foods. And thank you God for being my healer.

Love,
Shannon