When you find your fight

I am so grateful for the weeks in between chemos...It seems that its that stretch of time that I can draw up my strength (mental and physical) and feel like I can slay the dragon once more. When your mind is clear and you make your decisions with that clarity, you can remind your self when the times are tough that I didn't choose to fight this on a whim...it was decided when I was in my right mind. My pastor preached a message about that when it comes to living for God. When you make your way to an alter and make the decision to live for God, its because your head finally became clear enough to see what you needed in your life. So, its with a clear head (finally...chemo makes me ditsy hehe) that I can think about what I am doing and say yes! I can do this! I can go at this again and I have faith that its not just chemo running through my blood, but the powerful blood of Christ that cleanses and heals. I'm not just anybody...I am His daughter and no cancer and no devil can come on me accept He lets it. For that reason I know that there is a bigger reason that I am going through this. If its to try and test me, I hope to pass the test because I don't want to retake this one! If it has nothing to do with me at all but about my Church, family or friends in my life, I will be a servant and let God do his work. One of the few times that I know God spoke to me was when I kept praying for something that I wanted to happen out of my own selfish want...God's reply to my prayer was "Don't you think I know what I am doing more than you?". I didn't pray that prayer again after that! I realized God wanted me to understand that he knows what is best better than I do and to trust him because he's at work and what I want is not what is best. I believe in God's healing power, but even if I had a huge amount of faith to be healed right now, if its not God's will, how can it be done? I have had one promise given to me through all of this and I think about it when I begin to feel so low...that I will be okay. I was not promised to not feel pain...to not be depressed or to go through this without it being hard. I was promised that I would be okay.

So, with these promises, realizations and understandings that I draw out my sword and look this cancer square in the eyes and say "you might have won a battle over me....but I will win the war!"

Shannon

Life keeps going

I will be 26 in a couple days (April 15th), and I am actually glad for getting older. A year older says I am alive and that things keep on moving. I think about how I only have 4 chemo's under my belt and 8 more to go and I cringe. Hats off to anyone who has gone through cancer treatment, its a doozy! This last treatment I had on Tuesday has me still wiped out today. I have been working half days now and that seems all I can do. I'm just so tired. My taste buds are completely gone except I can taste sour things and sweet things....guess which one I lean toward when selecting food! I keep reminding myself that God is in control of all of this and he knows how much I can handle. I don't feel tough, but I know what I am going through is so tough. I pray for healing to come...that the chemo is working extra good and that they might shorten my treatments. I looked at the calendar and found that if every treatment goes according to schedule, I will be done with them by July 31st. and on to radiation for two weeks after that. I don't have much else to say, my head wont allow me to think up witty or inspirational sayings right now...it just wants to rest! Love all of you my family and friends, thanks for all your encouragement and prayers. I need it all more now everyday.

Shannon

He calms the storm

Psalm 107:28-29
"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still..."

I don't know how many times or moments during this ordeal that I have had to cry to God for help. Not because I physically hurt or feel my life slipping, but because of the mind game you go through with this. Granted, most of the mind game is my fault, but a part of it you cant help. You feel like you are tossed at sea and you don't know how to stay afloat...the turmoil of your emotions and the feeling of helplessness becomes overwhelming. The reality of your situation can be maddening but when I get to that point, there is only one way to turn, and that is to the maker of the storm. I heard a preacher talk about how God will put you through a storm, not to hurt you, but to make you better...to get you to a place where he can bless you. Storms are not created to pull you apart, but to make you stronger and closer to God. This is definitely a learning process. I wonder sometimes if I am passing the test...am I getting to where God wants me? I know one thing is for sure, this storm is not allowed to leave me until I make it bless me. Just like Jacob wrestled with an Angel and wouldn't let go until he got a blessing, I wont let this pass me by without seeing good come of this.

Sometimes I feel like this cancer has taken so much from me. I am in confinement, and cant go to church where there is crowds. I cant have my cat live inside anymore (maybe that is not a bad thing). I cant have cheese...my hair is still falling out. But, I refuse to dwell on that which is lost and look at what I still have. I still have enough hair on my head to cover it, I still have my life! I have a promise of a cure, I have my family, friends and wonderful husband still supporting me and encouraging me. I can do this...I can make it through.

With 9 more treatments and 2 weeks of radiation left, I have a long 5 months to go. I need to stay on track with my treatments to make this happen and that means taking care of myself and not getting sick. As I accumulate more chemo in my body with more treatments, the more tired I will become after each treatment. I will have to take more time off work to rest and I am thankful for such a good work family that encourages me to take care of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a season in my life and It wont last forever.

Thank you everyone for all your support and prayers...I need it! Love you all.

Shannon