When you find your fight

I am so grateful for the weeks in between chemos...It seems that its that stretch of time that I can draw up my strength (mental and physical) and feel like I can slay the dragon once more. When your mind is clear and you make your decisions with that clarity, you can remind your self when the times are tough that I didn't choose to fight this on a whim...it was decided when I was in my right mind. My pastor preached a message about that when it comes to living for God. When you make your way to an alter and make the decision to live for God, its because your head finally became clear enough to see what you needed in your life. So, its with a clear head (finally...chemo makes me ditsy hehe) that I can think about what I am doing and say yes! I can do this! I can go at this again and I have faith that its not just chemo running through my blood, but the powerful blood of Christ that cleanses and heals. I'm not just anybody...I am His daughter and no cancer and no devil can come on me accept He lets it. For that reason I know that there is a bigger reason that I am going through this. If its to try and test me, I hope to pass the test because I don't want to retake this one! If it has nothing to do with me at all but about my Church, family or friends in my life, I will be a servant and let God do his work. One of the few times that I know God spoke to me was when I kept praying for something that I wanted to happen out of my own selfish want...God's reply to my prayer was "Don't you think I know what I am doing more than you?". I didn't pray that prayer again after that! I realized God wanted me to understand that he knows what is best better than I do and to trust him because he's at work and what I want is not what is best. I believe in God's healing power, but even if I had a huge amount of faith to be healed right now, if its not God's will, how can it be done? I have had one promise given to me through all of this and I think about it when I begin to feel so low...that I will be okay. I was not promised to not feel pain...to not be depressed or to go through this without it being hard. I was promised that I would be okay.

So, with these promises, realizations and understandings that I draw out my sword and look this cancer square in the eyes and say "you might have won a battle over me....but I will win the war!"

Shannon