Sigh.....

Well, I got the flu and all that comes with it the morning of chemo no less! I had to go into the doctors, even though I did not feel like it, to see what they wanted to do with me. The Doctor comes into see me and gives me a grand scolding telling me that I am under no circumstances to be around crowds of people and to wash my hands, sanitize and eat "clean" meaning no more Mexican food hehe. Unfortunately this means for the rest of my treatment since this setback has been one too many. I have only had two cycles of chemo and ten more to go! I hung my head shameful telling him that the flu had been going around in church and he looks at me sternly saying "you're still going to church??? with all those crowds of people? No wonder you got sick." Sigh...! To make sure my "flu" was not chemo related I was instructed to give "samples" to make sure. Joy joy. At least my counts were good...except I am apparently anemic now and needed an iron IV that day. So, I sits for an hour and a half as this liquid that looks like blended steak is dripped into my port. An hour into my session I lost my apple juice to the waste bin. Poor nurse, she was probably thinking she's going to end up getting whatever I got having to clean up! To my relief they decided to give me some anti-nausea and help me with my urges. Half hour later I am free to go but I can barely walk because the anti-nausea they gave me makes you super drowsy and you have to have a ride home. I hate being drowsy...its the feeling that your conscious but so sleepy and I almost wish I hadn't gotten the stuff until I finally got home to sleep the rest of the day away. At least now that I have had the flu I probably wont get it again.

Per my Doctors instructions, I can no longer attend church services with "people" until my treatment is done. I talked to my pastor and he agreed that an online streaming of church services would be a good option for me at this point. I am super bummed about this, I don't like living like a hermit away from people and fun things to do. At least I am allowed to go outside into the fresh air where I shouldn't be able to catch anything. You hear that Washington? I need good weather now or I will go stir crazy with cabin fever!!! Going to work should be okay as long as people are not sick and I can stay in my cube away from people. Sigh!!!! This has gotten a lot harder now...if you cant tell I am frustrated. I want so much to have my normal life back without the paranoia, without the fatigue, without the feeling like poo. But, I will take whats given to me because I am tough like that. Every set back, every ache, pain and hurt I look at it and think..."I must be strong enough for that to happen to me because God said he wouldn't give me more than I can bear and I just got handed a whopper!" So you grit your teeth, cry a little, wipe the tears, shoot a prayer towards heaven and keep on rolling. What else can you do? What option do you have but to go forward? I will not be defeated, I will not lay down in surrender because this cancer will not conquer me and the devil sure wont either! This battle I have found is 5% physically at 95% mental. Knowing that now, my perspective has changed on how I live. I hit my knees in prayer more, read my Bible more and think positive. But Oh! I am looking forward to the day when I can look back on all of this and see the magnificent hand of God.

Shannon