Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Not over yet...

I am so happy that i am done with chemo... The hardest part of this journey is over. I dont have to hide myself away at home anymore but can step into the light and see the sunshine! I still have my germ phobia but that might be a good thing still... Its not good to get sick anyway. Its been nice to be able to go shopping and eat in restaurants! Its been nice to be able to pet my cat and not worry about her getting me sick. Most of all its been the best thing to be able to attend church again! I have missed it so much. You never appreciate something till its taken away from you. I am happy, but i am also sad. Things are coming to realization now that i am on the other end of this. I am no longer fighting for my life... Now i am looking at the rest of my life and how that will be. This past tuesday i had a consultation with my radiologist who showed me the before and after scans of my body. What a difference... I had no idea that my airway had shifted over because of the swollen lymph nodes pushed it over. The after pics showed it lined up again but man, it was crazy to see. My radiologist explained to me that going through with radiation makes my body open to getting other cancers later on in life. But, apparently not getting it puts me more at risk of this coming back. Part of me gets angry that i now have to live the rest of my life with this threat. How is it fair? What did i do so horrible in life that i have to endure this? But, the other side of me says God didnt bring you through this, let you be a survivor just to kill you off! Seriously Shannon, haven't you learned to trust God with everything yet? Sigh...yes, I Need to lean on him when i have no control. The doctors are threatening to put me through 4-5 weeks of radiation...i dont think so. I have one more CT scan before they decide my treatment plan. I am believing that this scan will be awesome...i believe its going to blow their 4-5 weeks to pieces. I dont want to endure that, i want to not even have radiation...but if i have to go through with it, its going to be the 2 weeks they origonally thought, none of this 4-5 week junk. I want to see them scratch their heads and say "we dont know how, but....". So if you would pray with me, that my scan comes back with all my lymph nodes the right size...we will watch those doctors scratch their heads in disbelief. I am not afraid to tell them either that although i am thankful for all they have done for me, i have another doctor that heals me without the need of machines and tools...the very one who created this body is completely capable of fixing anything wrong with it. I am just looking forward to the day when i can go a whole day without thinking of cancer, doctor appointments and treatments. Keep me in your prayers because its just not over yet. Shannon

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