I am so grateful for the weeks in between chemos...It seems that its that stretch of time that I can draw up my strength (mental and physical) and feel like I can slay the dragon once more. When your mind is clear and you make your decisions with that clarity, you can remind your self when the times are tough that I didn't choose to fight this on a whim...it was decided when I was in my right mind. My pastor preached a message about that when it comes to living for God. When you make your way to an alter and make the decision to live for God, its because your head finally became clear enough to see what you needed in your life. So, its with a clear head (finally...chemo makes me ditsy hehe) that I can think about what I am doing and say yes! I can do this! I can go at this again and I have faith that its not just chemo running through my blood, but the powerful blood of Christ that cleanses and heals. I'm not just anybody...I am His daughter and no cancer and no devil can come on me accept He lets it. For that reason I know that there is a bigger reason that I am going through this. If its to try and test me, I hope to pass the test because I don't want to retake this one! If it has nothing to do with me at all but about my Church, family or friends in my life, I will be a servant and let God do his work. One of the few times that I know God spoke to me was when I kept praying for something that I wanted to happen out of my own selfish want...God's reply to my prayer was "Don't you think I know what I am doing more than you?". I didn't pray that prayer again after that! I realized God wanted me to understand that he knows what is best better than I do and to trust him because he's at work and what I want is not what is best. I believe in God's healing power, but even if I had a huge amount of faith to be healed right now, if its not God's will, how can it be done? I have had one promise given to me through all of this and I think about it when I begin to feel so low...that I will be okay. I was not promised to not feel pain...to not be depressed or to go through this without it being hard. I was promised that I would be okay.
So, with these promises, realizations and understandings that I draw out my sword and look this cancer square in the eyes and say "you might have won a battle over me....but I will win the war!"
Shannon
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Life keeps going
I will be 26 in a couple days (April 15th), and I am actually glad for getting older. A year older says I am alive and that things keep on moving. I think about how I only have 4 chemo's under my belt and 8 more to go and I cringe. Hats off to anyone who has gone through cancer treatment, its a doozy! This last treatment I had on Tuesday has me still wiped out today. I have been working half days now and that seems all I can do. I'm just so tired. My taste buds are completely gone except I can taste sour things and sweet things....guess which one I lean toward when selecting food! I keep reminding myself that God is in control of all of this and he knows how much I can handle. I don't feel tough, but I know what I am going through is so tough. I pray for healing to come...that the chemo is working extra good and that they might shorten my treatments. I looked at the calendar and found that if every treatment goes according to schedule, I will be done with them by July 31st. and on to radiation for two weeks after that. I don't have much else to say, my head wont allow me to think up witty or inspirational sayings right now...it just wants to rest! Love all of you my family and friends, thanks for all your encouragement and prayers. I need it all more now everyday.
Shannon
Shannon
Sunday, April 1, 2012
He calms the storm
Psalm 107:28-29
"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still..."
I don't know how many times or moments during this ordeal that I have had to cry to God for help. Not because I physically hurt or feel my life slipping, but because of the mind game you go through with this. Granted, most of the mind game is my fault, but a part of it you cant help. You feel like you are tossed at sea and you don't know how to stay afloat...the turmoil of your emotions and the feeling of helplessness becomes overwhelming. The reality of your situation can be maddening but when I get to that point, there is only one way to turn, and that is to the maker of the storm. I heard a preacher talk about how God will put you through a storm, not to hurt you, but to make you better...to get you to a place where he can bless you. Storms are not created to pull you apart, but to make you stronger and closer to God. This is definitely a learning process. I wonder sometimes if I am passing the test...am I getting to where God wants me? I know one thing is for sure, this storm is not allowed to leave me until I make it bless me. Just like Jacob wrestled with an Angel and wouldn't let go until he got a blessing, I wont let this pass me by without seeing good come of this.
Sometimes I feel like this cancer has taken so much from me. I am in confinement, and cant go to church where there is crowds. I cant have my cat live inside anymore (maybe that is not a bad thing). I cant have cheese...my hair is still falling out. But, I refuse to dwell on that which is lost and look at what I still have. I still have enough hair on my head to cover it, I still have my life! I have a promise of a cure, I have my family, friends and wonderful husband still supporting me and encouraging me. I can do this...I can make it through.
With 9 more treatments and 2 weeks of radiation left, I have a long 5 months to go. I need to stay on track with my treatments to make this happen and that means taking care of myself and not getting sick. As I accumulate more chemo in my body with more treatments, the more tired I will become after each treatment. I will have to take more time off work to rest and I am thankful for such a good work family that encourages me to take care of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a season in my life and It wont last forever.
Thank you everyone for all your support and prayers...I need it! Love you all.
Shannon
"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still..."
I don't know how many times or moments during this ordeal that I have had to cry to God for help. Not because I physically hurt or feel my life slipping, but because of the mind game you go through with this. Granted, most of the mind game is my fault, but a part of it you cant help. You feel like you are tossed at sea and you don't know how to stay afloat...the turmoil of your emotions and the feeling of helplessness becomes overwhelming. The reality of your situation can be maddening but when I get to that point, there is only one way to turn, and that is to the maker of the storm. I heard a preacher talk about how God will put you through a storm, not to hurt you, but to make you better...to get you to a place where he can bless you. Storms are not created to pull you apart, but to make you stronger and closer to God. This is definitely a learning process. I wonder sometimes if I am passing the test...am I getting to where God wants me? I know one thing is for sure, this storm is not allowed to leave me until I make it bless me. Just like Jacob wrestled with an Angel and wouldn't let go until he got a blessing, I wont let this pass me by without seeing good come of this.
Sometimes I feel like this cancer has taken so much from me. I am in confinement, and cant go to church where there is crowds. I cant have my cat live inside anymore (maybe that is not a bad thing). I cant have cheese...my hair is still falling out. But, I refuse to dwell on that which is lost and look at what I still have. I still have enough hair on my head to cover it, I still have my life! I have a promise of a cure, I have my family, friends and wonderful husband still supporting me and encouraging me. I can do this...I can make it through.
With 9 more treatments and 2 weeks of radiation left, I have a long 5 months to go. I need to stay on track with my treatments to make this happen and that means taking care of myself and not getting sick. As I accumulate more chemo in my body with more treatments, the more tired I will become after each treatment. I will have to take more time off work to rest and I am thankful for such a good work family that encourages me to take care of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a season in my life and It wont last forever.
Thank you everyone for all your support and prayers...I need it! Love you all.
Shannon
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sigh.....
Well, I got the flu and all that comes with it the morning of chemo no less! I had to go into the doctors, even though I did not feel like it, to see what they wanted to do with me. The Doctor comes into see me and gives me a grand scolding telling me that I am under no circumstances to be around crowds of people and to wash my hands, sanitize and eat "clean" meaning no more Mexican food hehe. Unfortunately this means for the rest of my treatment since this setback has been one too many. I have only had two cycles of chemo and ten more to go! I hung my head shameful telling him that the flu had been going around in church and he looks at me sternly saying "you're still going to church??? with all those crowds of people? No wonder you got sick." Sigh...! To make sure my "flu" was not chemo related I was instructed to give "samples" to make sure. Joy joy. At least my counts were good...except I am apparently anemic now and needed an iron IV that day. So, I sits for an hour and a half as this liquid that looks like blended steak is dripped into my port. An hour into my session I lost my apple juice to the waste bin. Poor nurse, she was probably thinking she's going to end up getting whatever I got having to clean up! To my relief they decided to give me some anti-nausea and help me with my urges. Half hour later I am free to go but I can barely walk because the anti-nausea they gave me makes you super drowsy and you have to have a ride home. I hate being drowsy...its the feeling that your conscious but so sleepy and I almost wish I hadn't gotten the stuff until I finally got home to sleep the rest of the day away. At least now that I have had the flu I probably wont get it again.
Per my Doctors instructions, I can no longer attend church services with "people" until my treatment is done. I talked to my pastor and he agreed that an online streaming of church services would be a good option for me at this point. I am super bummed about this, I don't like living like a hermit away from people and fun things to do. At least I am allowed to go outside into the fresh air where I shouldn't be able to catch anything. You hear that Washington? I need good weather now or I will go stir crazy with cabin fever!!! Going to work should be okay as long as people are not sick and I can stay in my cube away from people. Sigh!!!! This has gotten a lot harder now...if you cant tell I am frustrated. I want so much to have my normal life back without the paranoia, without the fatigue, without the feeling like poo. But, I will take whats given to me because I am tough like that. Every set back, every ache, pain and hurt I look at it and think..."I must be strong enough for that to happen to me because God said he wouldn't give me more than I can bear and I just got handed a whopper!" So you grit your teeth, cry a little, wipe the tears, shoot a prayer towards heaven and keep on rolling. What else can you do? What option do you have but to go forward? I will not be defeated, I will not lay down in surrender because this cancer will not conquer me and the devil sure wont either! This battle I have found is 5% physically at 95% mental. Knowing that now, my perspective has changed on how I live. I hit my knees in prayer more, read my Bible more and think positive. But Oh! I am looking forward to the day when I can look back on all of this and see the magnificent hand of God.
Shannon
Per my Doctors instructions, I can no longer attend church services with "people" until my treatment is done. I talked to my pastor and he agreed that an online streaming of church services would be a good option for me at this point. I am super bummed about this, I don't like living like a hermit away from people and fun things to do. At least I am allowed to go outside into the fresh air where I shouldn't be able to catch anything. You hear that Washington? I need good weather now or I will go stir crazy with cabin fever!!! Going to work should be okay as long as people are not sick and I can stay in my cube away from people. Sigh!!!! This has gotten a lot harder now...if you cant tell I am frustrated. I want so much to have my normal life back without the paranoia, without the fatigue, without the feeling like poo. But, I will take whats given to me because I am tough like that. Every set back, every ache, pain and hurt I look at it and think..."I must be strong enough for that to happen to me because God said he wouldn't give me more than I can bear and I just got handed a whopper!" So you grit your teeth, cry a little, wipe the tears, shoot a prayer towards heaven and keep on rolling. What else can you do? What option do you have but to go forward? I will not be defeated, I will not lay down in surrender because this cancer will not conquer me and the devil sure wont either! This battle I have found is 5% physically at 95% mental. Knowing that now, my perspective has changed on how I live. I hit my knees in prayer more, read my Bible more and think positive. But Oh! I am looking forward to the day when I can look back on all of this and see the magnificent hand of God.
Shannon
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
God is a Healer
I want to say that without God in my life, I would be a hopeless case. He has done so much for me that I couldn't tell you it all because half of it I don't even know. I want to thank him for healing. Last Monday when I was scheduled for chemo I was turned away because my counts were way too low...under 200. I was given an emergency recovery shot that day and the next to boost my counts and was told to stay away from people, wear a mask and wash wash wash those hands! Its a bit scary when you think that a common cold could wipe you out at that point and I didn't even feel like my counts were low. I spent the whole week paranoid of people sneezing, coughing and even touching me. I felt like a leper with my face mask on in public, but I knew it was either my discomfort or getting very sick. I did a blood draw that Sunday and hoped and prayed that my counts were up so I could take my chemo that Monday (yesterday). No emergency phone calls from the Doctor telling me to stay home or anything so when Monday came around I was anxious to find out the results. But I had faith. My church prayed for me and I felt something different happen to me so I knew in the back of my mind that everything was okay. My doctor examined me and told me I was cleared for chemo! Not a day too soon, I was starting to get some of the symptoms back that I had before chemo. The nurse looked at me and asked me..."Do you want to know what your counts were?" And I said oh yeah! "Well, they were good, really, really good! Those recovery shots really did well with you." I thought to myself...you have no idea! God is my recovery shot! The nurse handed me a print out of my blood test and pointed to a number and said "your counts went up to 7.38 which means 7,380!" That apparently is on the high part of the scale, I only needed to be at a 1 or 1,000 to take chemo. Who says God doesn't heal his children when they pray? I might not be fully healed right now, but God has a reason why I am going through this. He gives me strength for the day and peace through the storm. I want to thank all those that have been praying for me. Many of you pray for me daily and I don't have words to tell you how much that means to me. Pretty soon all of those prayers will be stacked up so high before God that he will have to do something. God has provided for me through all of this too. Many people have given me food and gifts and not realized how needed they were. I feel like such a let down when I am too tired to make dinner...all those meals have been lifesavers! My husband has been so kind to go get food now too or finally learn how to make something himself (hehe). Thank you all you people! (Even to accommodate me with my no cheese diet!). There truly is blessings on this broken road :).
Hair update...
Well, I have lost probably half the volume of my hair now...for those of you who know my hair that is quite a lot. But, as thick as my hair is, I still am not bald! You cant tell yet that I have lost hair but the way the hair loss is going, I would not be surprised if I am bald within a week. I feel like all my life that my hair has identified me as a person because I was always the girl with the really long hair. I always thought that it was one of my strongest assets and what made me pretty. God himself says that a women's hair is her glory. I can say that I have mourned for my hair. I didn't even realize I was doing so till I realized I went from shock, sadness, anger and then acceptance. That really has been the story of my journey. It was only when I got to acceptance that I was at peace. I am not giving in to cancer, I am acknowledging it so I can fight it. I am learning how to take care of myself and finding ways to combat stress. The biggest help in my life right now is my support system and I want to thank them for rallying for me with prayer, help and for just listening to me when I have to vent. Thank you Mom for cleaning my house! Thank you Jaime for being the loving and supportive husband and for holding me when I cry. Thankyou Aaron and Rachel for always having me in your prayers. Thank you to my pastor for carrying my burden in prayer. Thankyou Crystal for all the gifts! Thank you Sharon, Angie, Monica and Mom for the yummy foods. And thank you God for being my healer.
Love,
Shannon
Hair update...
Well, I have lost probably half the volume of my hair now...for those of you who know my hair that is quite a lot. But, as thick as my hair is, I still am not bald! You cant tell yet that I have lost hair but the way the hair loss is going, I would not be surprised if I am bald within a week. I feel like all my life that my hair has identified me as a person because I was always the girl with the really long hair. I always thought that it was one of my strongest assets and what made me pretty. God himself says that a women's hair is her glory. I can say that I have mourned for my hair. I didn't even realize I was doing so till I realized I went from shock, sadness, anger and then acceptance. That really has been the story of my journey. It was only when I got to acceptance that I was at peace. I am not giving in to cancer, I am acknowledging it so I can fight it. I am learning how to take care of myself and finding ways to combat stress. The biggest help in my life right now is my support system and I want to thank them for rallying for me with prayer, help and for just listening to me when I have to vent. Thank you Mom for cleaning my house! Thank you Jaime for being the loving and supportive husband and for holding me when I cry. Thankyou Aaron and Rachel for always having me in your prayers. Thank you to my pastor for carrying my burden in prayer. Thankyou Crystal for all the gifts! Thank you Sharon, Angie, Monica and Mom for the yummy foods. And thank you God for being my healer.
Love,
Shannon
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Feeling pretty good....
Well, chemo week was killer in the fatigue department...having to work my regular work schedule Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nearly killed me (so I thought). My work load was out of control but because I am a financial processing ninja, I made it through. I am learning that I need to pace myself when I feel so fatigued because my energy comes in bursts and fizzles out just as quickly. Some very good things happened though that let me know the chemo is doing its job. My neck which was so swollen that if you touched it, it would feel like a aired up soccer ball, has shrunk down to its normal size except for a small squishy bump like it had before. I can now take in deep breaths without feeling like something is squishing my throat and for the most part the horrible intense itching and rashes on my skin have gone away except what is still healing. I had weird twitching in my legs when I would lay down at night called nerve-apathy that would not let me get to sleep and now that seems to be gone too. The start of this week on Sunday, I felt like I was my old self again. No more fatigue or just overall weirdness feelings. My thinking was clear and I didn't feel the need to take so many naps. I don't know what I would do if I had to do chemo every week...I probably would not be able to work.I am definitely grateful for the week off before my next chemo this Monday.
So far, I have not noticed any hair loss whatsoever. Even when I brush my hair I get some hairs in my hairbrush but nothing of any significance. This next chemo could wipe my head bald for all I know, but for now I am enjoying the hair on my head with new-found appreciation! My mom though has been researching wigs for me and looking them up on Ebay and the intranet to find out what type and color matching my existing hair more correctly. I even went and had a wig consultation to see what my options are out there...kind of depressing I know! My doctor even wrote a "prescription" for a wig in case my insurance will cover part of the cost since a real wig is not cheap. Were talking hundreds of dollars for a full wig...who knew? I am hoping to never use that "prescription" but I have to be realistic. So, just for kicks...lets have a survey to see what wig I should get! See below:
Fruit turban
Pink Beehive
Really long light brown hair with curl
Blue Afro
Mowhawk
long dark brown hair with curl
More straight brown hair
Super curly brown hair
Monday is my second chemo treatment and I expect I will feel the same as the last one but I wont know for sure. I want to thank everybody for their prayers, gifts of food and overall support as I go through this journey. I am feeling optimistic and strong right now, both mentally and physically, but I still need your prayers. For until I hear the words "your cured" I cant stop fighting. If God is with me, who can stand against me? I lean on him and draw strength from his promises. Love you my friends and family!
Shannon
So far, I have not noticed any hair loss whatsoever. Even when I brush my hair I get some hairs in my hairbrush but nothing of any significance. This next chemo could wipe my head bald for all I know, but for now I am enjoying the hair on my head with new-found appreciation! My mom though has been researching wigs for me and looking them up on Ebay and the intranet to find out what type and color matching my existing hair more correctly. I even went and had a wig consultation to see what my options are out there...kind of depressing I know! My doctor even wrote a "prescription" for a wig in case my insurance will cover part of the cost since a real wig is not cheap. Were talking hundreds of dollars for a full wig...who knew? I am hoping to never use that "prescription" but I have to be realistic. So, just for kicks...lets have a survey to see what wig I should get! See below:
Fruit turban
Really long light brown hair with curl
Blue Afro
Mowhawk
long dark brown hair with curl
More straight brown hair
Super curly brown hair
Monday is my second chemo treatment and I expect I will feel the same as the last one but I wont know for sure. I want to thank everybody for their prayers, gifts of food and overall support as I go through this journey. I am feeling optimistic and strong right now, both mentally and physically, but I still need your prayers. For until I hear the words "your cured" I cant stop fighting. If God is with me, who can stand against me? I lean on him and draw strength from his promises. Love you my friends and family!
Shannon
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Oh yes...the first chemo!
Well, I have survived! what an experience this has been so far. I am learning of a new depth of trust with God to lead me through this, and frankly I would go mad without knowing that he loves me, will never forsake me, and will never give me more than I can bear. I have to hold onto that everyday for strength. I am so thankful for my family and friends, for everyone who is praying for me and holding me up. My mom has been such a huge rock in my life. She has been to almost every doctors appointment, helping me to ask questions and get understanding on how I need to take care of myself and how to deal with this. She had to go through this already when my dad Steve was diagnosed so she has a lot of insight into the whole process. I couldn't of asked for a better mom and dad!
The low down...
I got to my doctors at 9am Monday morning to start my first chemotherapy treatment and hunkered down for the next five hours!!! The nurse sat me down in a comfy recliner, put a pre-warmed blanket over me, and took my vitals... Jaime sat in a chair next to me and then began the waiting game. A pharmacist came and went over some of the side affects to the different chemo I would be taking and went over my lab results and asked me questions on my current health (i.e. temperature, eating, resting). Then she orders me up a nice shot that I was not expecting for birth control. Nice.... I guess I don't want to get pregnant while doing this perhaps. And then...more waiting. An hour later I get started on some anti-nausea after they accessed my port and I wait another half hour while that drips into me. Next up...happy juice! Or "anti-anxiety" given on the first treatment for my poor nerves. That made me feel really good...I started laughing about bananas with Jaime, I don't remember what I said even now! Next up they began to give me a test dose of the first chemo, I don't remember the name...maybe called Dacarbazine, but apparently some people get a bad reaction to it when they initially get it injected. No problem there...half hour goes by and I wait. The next chemo the nurse injects by hand into my line with DOXOrubicin or what she called "the red devil". This is the one that will cause me to lose my hair and probably the most side effects. That one went down fine. Next two up, each a half hour were Bleomycin and Vinblastine. For one of these I had to suck on ice so it would stop the chemo from coming into the veins in my mouth area where it could give me mouth sores. Last but not least, they gave me the remaining dose of Dacarbazine which I did just so fine with and a half hour later I am done!!!! Oh happy joy! 5 hours, 5 bathroom breaks and very hungry, I get to leave.
The after...
Oh WOW. I have never know fatigue quite like I felt after the chemo. I felt like my body was jello and that my bones would not hold up. At least I did not throw up though! The weirdest feeling...I wanted to sleep so bad but my mind was still awake. So, the rest of the afternoon I just laid down and drank lots and lots of water! Its very important to drink water so my kidneys don't fail from the toxic cancer cells that are destroyed. but, I made it through like a good trooper!
Thank you everyone for your support and prayers...for food sent over (thanks Sharon) and just for being there. Continue to pray for me and fight this with me!
Shannon
The low down...
I got to my doctors at 9am Monday morning to start my first chemotherapy treatment and hunkered down for the next five hours!!! The nurse sat me down in a comfy recliner, put a pre-warmed blanket over me, and took my vitals... Jaime sat in a chair next to me and then began the waiting game. A pharmacist came and went over some of the side affects to the different chemo I would be taking and went over my lab results and asked me questions on my current health (i.e. temperature, eating, resting). Then she orders me up a nice shot that I was not expecting for birth control. Nice.... I guess I don't want to get pregnant while doing this perhaps. And then...more waiting. An hour later I get started on some anti-nausea after they accessed my port and I wait another half hour while that drips into me. Next up...happy juice! Or "anti-anxiety" given on the first treatment for my poor nerves. That made me feel really good...I started laughing about bananas with Jaime, I don't remember what I said even now! Next up they began to give me a test dose of the first chemo, I don't remember the name...maybe called Dacarbazine, but apparently some people get a bad reaction to it when they initially get it injected. No problem there...half hour goes by and I wait. The next chemo the nurse injects by hand into my line with DOXOrubicin or what she called "the red devil". This is the one that will cause me to lose my hair and probably the most side effects. That one went down fine. Next two up, each a half hour were Bleomycin and Vinblastine. For one of these I had to suck on ice so it would stop the chemo from coming into the veins in my mouth area where it could give me mouth sores. Last but not least, they gave me the remaining dose of Dacarbazine which I did just so fine with and a half hour later I am done!!!! Oh happy joy! 5 hours, 5 bathroom breaks and very hungry, I get to leave.
The after...
Oh WOW. I have never know fatigue quite like I felt after the chemo. I felt like my body was jello and that my bones would not hold up. At least I did not throw up though! The weirdest feeling...I wanted to sleep so bad but my mind was still awake. So, the rest of the afternoon I just laid down and drank lots and lots of water! Its very important to drink water so my kidneys don't fail from the toxic cancer cells that are destroyed. but, I made it through like a good trooper!
Thank you everyone for your support and prayers...for food sent over (thanks Sharon) and just for being there. Continue to pray for me and fight this with me!
Shannon
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